New rule: No instruction manuals for vibrators!

Just as a warning, I am going to bring both evolution and religion into a rant about vibrator design. Here's the thing: Vibrator designers must be people. People, however you believe we homo sapiens came into being, do you think you are smarter than that? Whether it's evolution or religion -- and I'm sure there are some very reverent designers out there -- are you so full of high-and-mighty hubris that you think you can improve on basic biology?

I've already had a similar issue with the Useless Ball vibrator. Now comes this, from the people at JIMMYJANE: the FORM 2. I want to know, at what point did you decide that women would find two cocks in the same place more enjoyable? As far as I know, generally speaking, we really only need one to have a good time. Now, if you were talking about one in the front and one in the back, maybe, but that's not what this is. This is just two supposed bunny ears, that are not as cute as The Rabbit. And the web site kindly lists "Suggested Uses". My Suggested Use is to go back to the drawing board with an anatomy book. I gotta tell you, if I can't figure out how to use your super cool sex toy without an instruction manual, you've done something wrong. You lost me, and I'm probably your target audience.

I mean, come on, FORM 6 looks awesome. And I don't have to guess how to use it. More like that, please.

Fantasy Land

Fantasies are fun. While I may daydream about doing various sexy things with DB, I generally fantasize about stuff I would not ever do in real life, no matter how much wine and chocolate is involved. Case in point: a threesome, that supposed pinnacle of male sexual fantasy. Now, given enough really really good wine and chocolate, I might go for kissing a girl, but that's about the extent of it. I'm very possessive about people, and sharing my guy IRL would not work in the least. However, in my head, it plays out like the best-edited porn you've ever seen.

In a fantasy, I don't have to concern myself with reality (or physics). I'm the bendiest person you've seen since the circus was in town -- and so is everyone else. Mostly it's either about both of them doing me, or me and the girl servicing the guy, depending on my mood. I like the thought of being sandwiched between the two of them, the girl's strap-on in my cunt, and a man's hard cock filling my ass from the other side. Or I'm laying spread-eagled and tied up on a flat St. Andrew's Cross, the girl ordered to lick me until I beg for permission to come, while he jerks off on my tits, which she licks off at the end. Or we're in the executive suite, and she spanks my bare ass while I suck his cock. Or... you'll have to excuse me. Now that I've made myself all hot and bothered, I have to ... go do stuff ... wash my hair... yeah...

Watching gay porn does not make you gay

I found a question on one of those advice forum type web sites recently from a woman who snooped through her boyfriend's computer and found gay (guy on guy) porn. She was concerned about confronting him about it and wondering if he's gay... and a lot of people responded with "Straight men never watch that shit, your man is a fag."

Well, Dear World (and That Girl's Boyfriend), I have to tell you something. I watch gay porn too, and usually it's girl-on-girl action. And I have yet to become a lesbian.

See, human sexuality is a fun and fluid thing. Maybe he was curious. Maybe he was interested in some particular act or toy. But even if he likes it, even if he gets off to it, unless he does it right before going to boink another dude, HE IS NOT GAY. Granted, only he can tell you, but still...

Go confess that you invaded his privacy and found something you want to talk about, and don't do it in an accusing OMG YOU DON'T LOVE ME fashion, because if he really is gay and in the closet and using you to convince himself and/or others of his straightness, he'll just get defensive and you won't get anywhere. There's a pretty good chance that after he forgives you for doing something stupid, you'll learn that man-on-man action can be very hot. Maybe you can watch it together. Don't forget the lube!

Musical accompaniment: "If You Were Gay" from Ave Q

Math before bath

6' tall boy + 5'2" girl != fit in standard bathtub

You just can't do it. It don't fit. It was a great idea, and if we had one of those giant hotel bathtubs, it would have been a soapy good time, but... yeah, not so much. I fit, or he fits, with scrunched knees, but certainly not both at once.

Lesson learned: consider size of people to be put inside bathtub BEFORE attempting bubble bath

A post of substance

Dear Darling Boyfriend,

Substance.

Love,

Ava

----

Ok, fine, here's some actual substance... have you heard of the Japanese girlfriend pillows? And the Japanese hosting culture? These are both recently in NYTimes, because, you know, we need more information on how the Japanese are sex culture is completely effed up... and I kinda want in. Or maybe not in, but I would like to see those cafes where everyone dresses up as anime characters or princesses or sparkly shiny unicorns with rainbow wings. I'd totally go into Pink and Glitter overload.

The luxury of a personal hair washer

So DB and I showered together for the first time recently. I'm not sure why we always took the standard single person showers before, but that time is now officially over.

Even in a very small shower, it is just ridiculous amounts of soapy, sexy, hilarious fun. Possibly because it is a very small shower. Possibly because when DB, who is tall, was standing with his backto the spray and then bent down to kiss my neck, the water went right in my face and made me spit. And then, of course, he kept trying to do that again because it's funny. Possibly because it's so damn hot and humid, that if you don't have air conditioning, a shower is really the only place you could concievably even want to press your body against someone else's...

Then there's the hair washing. The last time someone has washed my hair (aside from hairdressers) was probably when I was 9 years old. DB is very very good at the hair washing. He's tres gentle, and thorough, and none of the soap went in my eyes. It's such an unbelievably personal, intimate, luxurious thing to have someone wash your hair... It's the kind of intimacy that qualifies under the same heading as "sharing a bed" or "making a meal" for someone, but even betttttter.

Unpunishable post (and Ava)

New tactic: Boyfriend says he'll punish me if I do not write on a regular basis. He won't tell me what the punishment is, which you know means one day I will either screw up genuinely (on purpose) and find out. After all, isn't that half the fun? Or for some people, most of the fun?

There are service submissives out there whose true goal is to some assigned task perfectly and please their master. I'm not one of those people. I'm contrary. Nine out of ten times, if you tell me that I *have* to do something, my gut response is, "You can't make me, na na na na na na na". Not exactly mature, but there you have it. Sooo... yeah. I don't know how well this negative reinforcement is going to work.

Don't you want to know what it's going to be too? Maybe it's just a light spanking. Knowing DB that's unlikely. He is very imaginative. It will be something elaborate, probably with toys and clamps and paddles and bells and whistles. Come to think of it, bells could be fun.

Today's sexy: I'm not wearing a bra. If I ruled the world, bras would be outlawed for everyone who does not actually require the support for comfort reasons. I'm infinitely more comfortable without one. It's one of the benefits of perky tits.

A Review: Aqua Erotica

I got Aqua Erotica from my friend over at Kink in Exile, and like almost any present from her, it is both geeky and sexy. It's an anthology of sexy stories all with the central theme of water, because it is meant to be read while you are taking a bath, and you know, doing other things in the bath... anyway, to first discuss the geeky, this book is waterproof. That's right -- you can get it soaking wet. Apparently this isn't totally new, as "Wired" wrote about it here in 2002, but I was floored. Eventually you forget you aren't turning actual paper pages, and it's just so trippy to read a book in the tub and not worry about dropping it. All Harlequin novels should be printed with this technology...

As to the sexy, well, truth be told I only really liked two out of the 18 stories. One was about a guy who meets a couple that does safe sex ed, and they proceed to give him a hands-on demonstration. That threesome was tres hot, mostly because all three participants got equal playtime, as opposed to the guys just fucking the girl six ways to Sunday. And the second story was about a girl who entices her boyfriend away from watching the game on tv, and instead has mind-blowing anal sex in the shower. That one had just the right amount of cock description, and was well-written enough to turn me on and make me forget about the logistics of something like that (like both people being of similar height and weight, and having those non-slip stickies on your tub, and the fact that you can't actually grip tile...).

Final verdict: It's more of a novelty item to show to your more liberal and risque friends, rather than an erotic novel I'm going to turn to on a regular basis for smoking erotica. The Parisian memoirs are really more my speed for that one. On the other hand, if you've always had a pool, sea, lake, bathtub, glass of water fantasy, this book's for you.

100 word short porn

“I want you.”

Licking up her neck, behind her earlobe, down again, he bit a soft spot by her jaw, and she convulsed, moaning louder than she meant to, grasping at him to clutch him closer and press herself against his body. His hands slid down her sides, fingers digging into her hips so he could grind her against his cock so hard she sucked her breath in with desire and anticipation of it entering her hard, and sudden, and thick, and… She almost came just from the thought, and pushed at him to undo his jeans…

“I want you.”

Do bring toys to bed

Just a quickie: It's too much fun not to play with stuff. And remember, if you're not having fun in bed, you're doing it wrong. I recently discovered that vibrators are not just for girls (even if they're pink). If you haven't tried holding a slim yet powerful vibe to your boyfriend's "taint" while sucking his dick, neither of you know what you're missing. Try it. He will thank you in new and exciting ways for that one. If you've always wanted to watch a man shiver, shudder, and beg, this is one way to make that happen without really all that much more effort on your part.

This is something you can surprise him with, and in fact, should. If it works well, and you'd like to try inserting something up his bum, you should ask first. Some may find it hot, others objectionable. If you decide to go that route, just remember your basic safety rules -- condoms, disinfection, and nothing that goes in the butt should go near or touch anything else (aside from the ick factor, there's the painful-burning-infection factor).

But to end on a positive note, seriously, if you want to give your man a mind-blowing orgasm, I recommend a bit of dirty talk and foreplay, and then pull out the vibe when he's not looking. A few minutes later, listen to him babble about how amazing you are. This is a good time to mention jewelry.

Recession sex, it's what's for dinner.

Businesses are closing, maybe you're hanging on by a thread at your own job, things are tough...  but you know what, you can always have sex.  And that's why "first-quarter sales of personal lubricants soared 32% to $41.2 million, according to Information Resources Inc." in AdAge.  If you've got a willing partner, sex at home costs way less than concert tickets.  Sure, you should spring for the aforementioned lube, and perhaps your birth control of choice (because remember, babies are VERY expensive), but there's free porn on the Internet, and you've probably got some pervertibles in the house already anyway, so go have some low-cost, stress-reducing sex, people.     

Does your gym teach you to prostitute yourself?

Maybe it's just that I live in Sodom & Gomorrah, erm, New York City, but somehow sex seems to have taken over my gym.  Maybe to protect the guilty, I should not name this very large national chain, but...  it's Crunch.  Recently, I had this conversation with Darling Boyfriend about the local class listings:

Ms. Ava Blue: So you know how my gym offers the pole dancing class?

  

Darling Boyfriend: Yes :).

MAB: The new location is going to offer a strip tease class as well.

DB: Awesome!

MAB: But wait, my story gets better.  The Park Slope gym has a class called "Turning Tricks".

DB: When they offer a class called "Covering Your Bruise", you need to switch gyms. 

Who has more orgasms?

This is a very serious question.  For the sake of argument, let's pretend you are with a long-term significant other.  In your average romp, who has more orgasms?  I'm not necessarily talking about being multiorgasmic, but more like -- if you're in bed for a while, with nowhere to rush, and you're going for more than "wham-bam-thank you-ma'am", who comes more? And does it matter?

DB and I spend, on average, at least 3 hours in bed together, having fun morning sex only occasionally interrupted by needs of peeing, drinking water, and feeding the cats.  In those three hours, I can come anywhere from 1 to 4 times.  Some of them are little, breath-catching orgasms, and others are I Can't Move For At Least 10 Minutes, Holy Crap, Brain Has Melted finishers.  On the other hand, DB really only comes once.  He doesn't appear to mind this disparity (as long as he gets his in a prompt and pleasing manner, demanding it in completely unsubtle ways, like "Do Me NOW"), esp. since it's coupled with the ego-pleaser of making his woman a satisfied, affectionate, grinning mess.  

I know of a different relationship where she does more than he does, and he's kind of resentful of it.  He thinks they should be equals and partners in everything, and ergo, have the same amount of pleasure.  And he's a guy, so he actually keeps score, but I'm afraid that it's going to eventually poison their sex life.  I tried to point out that sex should probably be a happy thing that you do for/with someone you really really like, and so there's no need to focus on this, unless the disparity is such that he is not getting his needs met at all.  

I don't really know what the solution to that is, except to carefully monitor and keep track of each other's orgasms.  And you'd have to be a real hyper-organized spreadsheet-loving pervert to think THAT is sexy.     

Review: the Tuyo vibro masseur

I won the Tuyo vibro masseur in an erotic writing contest on Kink in Exile, which is cool for a number of reasons, among them that I haven’t won a contest at least since high school.  The Tuyo is a very cool vibrator, and at first I thought it may be a little too cool and fancy for the likes of me.  The perfect sphere shape threw me for a loop – I couldn’t figure out exactly what I was supposed to do with it.  It’s certainly not insertable, and it’s not shaped to fit around the female form. 

Turns out that you’re supposed to roll it around and stimulate your entire vulva.  This works fantastically; I was indeed stimulated everywhere.  Unfortunately, being tingly all over means that I couldn’t get enough on my clit, the one place I wanted it.  It did a very good job of turning me on, but I couldn’t really get off. 

However, it’s advertised as a couples’ toy, which means I promptly introduced it to Darling Boyfriend.  I will say this – ladies, please do not be afraid of bringing this kind of thing into bed.  Your boyfriend’s ego may not handle a large anatomically correct dildo, but no one is threatened by a something that looks like a Magic 8 Ball.  We had a great time actually just playing with it.  He used it on me, and to better result, since I was already turned on by being in bed (and several orgasms into my morning).  DB liked the sensation of it under his balls receiving oral sex.  It was also kind of hilarious when he placed it between my breasts, thereby turning most of my body into a vibrator.  This thing is powerful.  It’s also kind of loud, in case that’s a concern for you. 

Verdict: It was a good bit of fun in bed with someone else, and sex should always fun.

PS: DB had one geek engineering design complaint that there is only one button that turns the vibrator on, and then you have to keep pushing it (which means going through all the settings) to turn it off.  

A hand on the neck

There is something I find incredibly erotic about this image.  I just ran across it again in the film "Deception" with Hugh Jackman, and it's just... unbelievable.  It is very clearly the power of it -- you don't know if he is going to kill her or have his way with her.  It so happens that in "The Tudors", there is going to be both, and in the film it's the latter (and I am not ruining anything, given that the film is about a sex club).  

It helps that Hugh Jackman is effin gorgeous, of course, but he also does a very good job of being an evil, evil bastard.  There really isn't anything redeeming about his character.  Normally in movies and books, I like a little more realism -- I want people who are like the real people in the world, but then again, I don't know any sociopaths, nor would I sleep with any.  But dang, is he hot when he is standing behind Michelle Williams, wrapped around her, with one hand at her throat as he very threateningly whispers a song to her, and then at the last second when you think he is going to snap her neck, instead throws her on the bed and pushes her legs apart...

It's better than all the other on-screen sex put together.  

A Brief Book Review: Scandale D'Amour

I do highly recommend Scandale D'Amour: Erotic Memoirs of Paris in the 1920s by Anne-Marie Villefranche.  I picked up my copy in the dollar bin at Strand's, but excerpts are available here at Google Books.

It is sexy, and not Lady Chatterley's Lover kind of sexy, where it might have been sexy back then, but you read it now and don't understand what the fuss was all about.  You may not find every story highly erotic, but I can almost guarantee that at least one will suit your fancy.  I would liken it more to Anais Nin's writing, but I actually enjoyed this book a lot better.  At one point, I was mailing copies of the stories to a friend doing the Peace Corps in a rural village in South-East Asia.  It was worth the postage.    

When boys shop

There's not much better then when Darling Boyfriend says he's going to be doing some shopping.  Unless it's sex toy shopping.  Specifically for the things you've always wanted to try but never have before.  And certainly not all at once, as he is apparently planning to use on me.

Is this a good time to mention my (mostly) submissive tendencies? And DB's ardent desires to watch me squirm as he first forces me to admit all of the dirty, filthy things I would like him to do, and then proceed to follow through?  

I'm pretty sure there are going to be restraints and blindfolds.  Combined with his general affection for my ass and the sound his hand makes when they connect, there will very likely be serious spanking of my favorite "let's see how many shades of pink it gets" variety.  Beyond that, I don't know, and I'm certainly looking forward to finding out.  We've played a little bit with toys before, but not much, so this should be tres sexy... 

Gamers and kink and fetish wear

I'm pretty sure few are surprised by the duality of gamers and kink, but hey... here's some more proof.  Take a look at this World of Warcraft ad.  More specifically, check out the droolworthy outfit -- the beautiful corset, the belt, the gloves.  We already know Why Geeks Make Better Lovers, and this just goes along with the points about consensual role playing and already knowing kinky people.  

Incidentally, in case anyone needs this warning, if you begin to date a gaming geek, you end up listening to a lot of gaming talk.  I know way more about WoW than the average female...    

Just one reason to date a gaming geek

Hands. More specifically, fingers. Fingers that are used to twiddling several things at the same time. Fingers that are very interested in making you happy by twiddling several things on YOU at the same time. See, now all those hours he had spent on PS3 and such don't seem like such a waste, especially when he knows just how to tweak your clit and your nipple at just the right moment...

Is a kept woman a whore?

I feel a variety of things about "Keeping Up with Being Kept" in the NYTimes today.  At the very least, I think the author did a good job of writing a descriptive article that isn't overly judgmental of either party.  I'm not sure I would be capable of doing the same.  

On the one hand, everyone involved is an adult, who certainly has a right to do and live as they wish.  Let's call a spade a spade though.  If you're exchanging sex for money, that is prostitution.  And I'm willing to take that to the extent that if you set up that same sort of relationship as advertised on the site without the site, it's still prostitution.  If you're a 20 year old girl who meets a 50 year old man on a regular basis to have sex and receive presents or money, you're a hooker.  You might tell yourself that's classier than being a streetwalker, but it's still the same basic thing.  

If you're 20 and you fall in love with a 50 year old who happens to be wealthy, and you go on to have a real, full-fledged relationship in which of course you reap the benefits of having a wealthy partner, that's different.  If you fall in love with a rich 20 year old, by the way, it's the same thing, but it happens that it's a lot harder to find rich young men (unless you're talking about trust fund babies).  The trust fund babies usually don't have to pay for sex though.

I'm not passing judgment on practitioners of the oldest profession.  It certainly provides more money in some instances than working minimum wage.  But these girls on the web site are delusional if they think this isn't whoring themselves out.  Just admit what you're doing.  This web site is putting a slightly nicer face for it is all.  

The practice is negative for the same reasons prostitution is generally said to be negative.  I feel sad for these men, who feel they must buy the semblance of love and affection they aren't getting at home.  The time they spend with lithe young girls could be spent fixing their marriages, which are now rather broken.  I'll also pull out the other argument that if society provided other options, women would not have to resort to prostituting themselves.  I do like that one guy does a cost analysis of a wife, a girlfriend, a mistress, and a whore.  That's entertaining.