08 November 2009

New rule: No instruction manuals for vibrators!

Just as a warning, I am going to bring both evolution and religion into a rant about vibrator design. Here's the thing: Vibrator designers must be people. People, however you believe we homo sapiens came into being, do you think you are smarter than that? Whether it's evolution or religion -- and I'm sure there are some very reverent designers out there -- are you so full of high-and-mighty hubris that you think you can improve on basic biology?

I've already had a similar issue with the Useless Ball vibrator. Now comes this, from the people at JIMMYJANE: the FORM 2. I want to know, at what point did you decide that women would find two cocks in the same place more enjoyable? As far as I know, generally speaking, we really only need one to have a good time. Now, if you were talking about one in the front and one in the back, maybe, but that's not what this is. This is just two supposed bunny ears, that are not as cute as The Rabbit. And the web site kindly lists "Suggested Uses". My Suggested Use is to go back to the drawing board with an anatomy book. I gotta tell you, if I can't figure out how to use your super cool sex toy without an instruction manual, you've done something wrong. You lost me, and I'm probably your target audience.

I mean, come on, FORM 6 looks awesome. And I don't have to guess how to use it. More like that, please.

23 October 2009

Fantasy Land

Fantasies are fun. While I may daydream about doing various sexy things with DB, I generally fantasize about stuff I would not ever do in real life, no matter how much wine and chocolate is involved. Case in point: a threesome, that supposed pinnacle of male sexual fantasy. Now, given enough really really good wine and chocolate, I might go for kissing a girl, but that's about the extent of it. I'm very possessive about people, and sharing my guy IRL would not work in the least. However, in my head, it plays out like the best-edited porn you've ever seen.

In a fantasy, I don't have to concern myself with reality (or physics). I'm the bendiest person you've seen since the circus was in town -- and so is everyone else. Mostly it's either about both of them doing me, or me and the girl servicing the guy, depending on my mood. I like the thought of being sandwiched between the two of them, the girl's strap-on in my cunt, and a man's hard cock filling my ass from the other side. Or I'm laying spread-eagled and tied up on a flat St. Andrew's Cross, the girl ordered to lick me until I beg for permission to come, while he jerks off on my tits, which she licks off at the end. Or we're in the executive suite, and she spanks my bare ass while I suck his cock. Or... you'll have to excuse me. Now that I've made myself all hot and bothered, I have to ... go do stuff ... wash my hair... yeah...

04 October 2009

A few short thoughts on boobs

Corsets are very sexy, but after 6 hours, exhausting. It's impossible to look bad when you have a flat stomach and great tits. Breathing, however, is optional.

Everyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, likes boobs. Except the American media. FFS, please stop airbrushing out nipples on naked models. It just makes them look weird and fembot-like. In a bad way.

Boys, if a woman puts tattoos on her breasts, you're *supposed* to look.

Girls, if you put tattoos on your breasts, and display them, you lose all rights to complain that men only look at your boobs. (BTW, women are looking at them too. Because they're there.)

It's true that more than a handful is a waste (esp. if your man loves your ass).

04 September 2009

Watching gay porn does not make you gay

I found a question on one of those advice forum type web sites recently from a woman who snooped through her boyfriend's computer and found gay (guy on guy) porn. She was concerned about confronting him about it and wondering if he's gay... and a lot of people responded with "Straight men never watch that shit, your man is a fag."

Well, Dear World (and That Girl's Boyfriend), I have to tell you something. I watch gay porn too, and usually it's girl-on-girl action. And I have yet to become a lesbian.

See, human sexuality is a fun and fluid thing. Maybe he was curious. Maybe he was interested in some particular act or toy. But even if he likes it, even if he gets off to it, unless he does it right before going to boink another dude, HE IS NOT GAY. Granted, only he can tell you, but still...

Go confess that you invaded his privacy and found something you want to talk about, and don't do it in an accusing OMG YOU DON'T LOVE ME fashion, because if he really is gay and in the closet and using you to convince himself and/or others of his straightness, he'll just get defensive and you won't get anywhere. There's a pretty good chance that after he forgives you for doing something stupid, you'll learn that man-on-man action can be very hot. Maybe you can watch it together. Don't forget the lube!

Musical accompaniment: "If You Were Gay" from Ave Q

31 August 2009

Math before bath

6' tall boy + 5'2" girl != fit in standard bathtub

You just can't do it. It don't fit. It was a great idea, and if we had one of those giant hotel bathtubs, it would have been a soapy good time, but... yeah, not so much. I fit, or he fits, with scrunched knees, but certainly not both at once.

Lesson learned: consider size of people to be put inside bathtub BEFORE attempting bubble bath

28 August 2009

A post of substance

Dear Darling Boyfriend,




Ok, fine, here's some actual substance... have you heard of the Japanese girlfriend pillows? And the Japanese hosting culture? These are both recently in NYTimes, because, you know, we need more information on how the Japanese are sex culture is completely effed up... and I kinda want in. Or maybe not in, but I would like to see those cafes where everyone dresses up as anime characters or princesses or sparkly shiny unicorns with rainbow wings. I'd totally go into Pink and Glitter overload.

19 August 2009

The luxury of a personal hair washer

So DB and I showered together for the first time recently. I'm not sure why we always took the standard single person showers before, but that time is now officially over.

Even in a very small shower, it is just ridiculous amounts of soapy, sexy, hilarious fun. Possibly because it is a very small shower. Possibly because when DB, who is tall, was standing with his backto the spray and then bent down to kiss my neck, the water went right in my face and made me spit. And then, of course, he kept trying to do that again because it's funny. Possibly because it's so damn hot and humid, that if you don't have air conditioning, a shower is really the only place you could concievably even want to press your body against someone else's...

Then there's the hair washing. The last time someone has washed my hair (aside from hairdressers) was probably when I was 9 years old. DB is very very good at the hair washing. He's tres gentle, and thorough, and none of the soap went in my eyes. It's such an unbelievably personal, intimate, luxurious thing to have someone wash your hair... It's the kind of intimacy that qualifies under the same heading as "sharing a bed" or "making a meal" for someone, but even betttttter.